Seed: Ain't She A Beaut?
A few weeks ago we were dining at Moe's and I noticed another family sitting nearby teeming with activity just like ours. I was eating my Vandalay and participating in the conversations, but I was compelled to observe the other table; somewhere between a glance and a gawk, but not so much as to be caught looking. The group consisted of, by all appearances, a textbook nuclear family - white, middle class, two parents, one boy, one girl - but for some reason it was very pleasing to observe them. I have reasonably developed social skills, so I was getting the signal from the ol' noggin to stop staring and I paused to take inventory of my emotions. It wasn't lust; it wasn't curiosity; it definitely wasn't rubbernecking. Finally, I realized what it was. They were all gorgeous.
I realized I was feeling something not too different from what I feel in an art museum, called the aesthetic experience by in-the-know art people. In fact, it was such a warm, calming feeling that I wanted to feel that emotion more often and share it with others. I instantly thought of a great idea -- we need an ornamental class. I'm not talking about a community college craft workshop. I mean our society needs to develop a caste of people who are like ambulatory works of art.
I started to formulate that idea in my mind. But first, not being one to lead the unexamined life, I delved into a study on the nature of this art-viewing emotion. I had the required Fine Arts 101 course in college and we briefly scraped the surface of Aesthetics in Philosophy 101, but on either side of those courses, my spin on Art was, "I know what I like."
What I really wanted to know was if there is, and if so, what is a term which describes the feeling you get when you look at a painting you really like. We have plenty of words in English like exhilirating or rapt which would obviously work fine, but I was really hoping for some very long Italian or French word that really hits the spot. So, I cracked open the Gardner's and a few art dictionaries and read the sections on art appreciation.
I quickly realized that, like most concepts, art is very nearly impossible to define and even harder to put succinctly. I did find one declarative statement among the many oblique ones. It said, "Art is the opposite of nature." That statement is so blunt that my initial reaction was an adamant refutation of it. We constantly use artistic terms to describe nature (wildflowers were 'Monet's paint box'; the sky is God's canvas) and likewise when we transform nature it is called art (landscaping, flower arranging, fiber arts, etc). But it slowly sunk in... it's not a two-way street: nature makes art possible by providing materials and inspiration, but art can't create or inspire nature.
This was problematic, because part of my justification for the Ornamental Caste was their objectification into art. But since humans are natural, they can't also be art. I think, but don't know, that even Kant (art for art's sake) and the Aesthetes would agree with that. I fully realize at this point that I have no idea what I'm talking about, although the Art History majors I have talked to were at a loss on this as well. Reading more, I finally found what was missing (though still no good term). I read that what causes the felicity is beauty not the art itself; again this may all be elemental to you, dear reader, but this was not covered in school, I promise. One book described beauty as determined by our recognizing patterns which we then associate with a harmony or balance in nature. This makes perfect sense to me and really rescued my cause.
So here's what we do. We, as a society, find these beautiful people and we pay them to just walk around and be places. By the way, if you're going to say, "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder" just click away from this page right now. We all find different things endearing or sexually attractive about people, but there are people out there that a majority of us will say are awe-inspiringly beautiful. All we have to do is set up a committee of artists, designers, and like people and have them come up with a set of criteria for determining human beauty. Then we create a computer simulation which can scan someone and determine what percentage of a match they are to perfection. People who fall within a certain range become an Ornamental. We can do this, people. If we can put men on the moon; if Tony Danza can still find work; if a 44 oz SuperGulp can be purchased for less than a 32 oz BigGulp; then we can do this.
Just seeing an Ornamental would bring reassurance that harmony with nature was in our grasp and make us feel warm inside. Think of the myriad possibilities. Job satisfaction and workplace morale would soar if you could just lean back in your chair and catch a glimpse of an Ornamental. Kids in rough inner city schools would not be prone to act up in class if an Ornamental were simply sitting at a desk in the classroom reading a magazine. People would go to church more often if an Ornamental were sitting at the right hand of the minister; when combined with the feelings of peace and harmony generated by the Ornamental's presence, the spirituality of the religious experience would rock the house. Courtrooms, prisons, riot control, art museums - the Ornamentals would be incredibly wonderful to have around. And the commercial benefit of having these people eating in your restaurant or shopping in your store would be incalcuable. I'd say it would be the cheapest tax money ever spent.
There are other advantages, too. No longer would the beautiful, yet vacuous fill critical positions in the clerical and educational fields. We all know that a gorgeous person will be hired over a less attractive, more qualified person nearly every time. With Ornamentals on the scene, we could have more efficient secretaries and assistants and more effective teachers at our disposal -- made even more productive by the soothing effects of the Ornamental.
I'm surprised we haven't tried this before. I'm aware of the Hetarae in ancient Greece, the Geisha in Japan, and various cultures' harems, concubines, eunuchs, and courtesans. But these castes had to perform specific, uh, tasks. All an Ornamental has to do is show up. For even greater cost-benefit, Ornamentals could educate themselves and be come roving ambassadors of culture as well. Think of the party implications.
I promise you, this will transform society. We will all be better off. Sure, it will be rough at first. You'll have Harding-Kerrigan episodes, Texas Cheerleader Mom episodes, stuff like that. The high-brows will kick up a storm, no doubt (probably out of jealousy) and run into walls while navel-gazing about the meaning of it all. The Evangelicals will say we're all created in God's image. I don't even want to imagine what feminists will say. But give it a generation or two and we'll all be walking around with blissful smiles on our faces.
What do you say? Can I count on you? Will you join me in this great in this great crusade to bring a little joy into our lives?
posted by St. Fiacre @ 5:38 PM,
